A New Life Part1

Has it been so long since I last posted? Well, I shouldn't be so surprised. Here I sit with my five month old daughter on my lap. A girl! I swore my intuition and my dowsing said it would be a boy!Then again I also wanted to be surprised, so I was.

The birth was difficult. From the first signs of labour to the actual delivery was a week. I finally ended up going in three times, unfortunately having to give up the idea of a natural birth and no drugs to end up with gas and air, drugs to get the contractions stronger (I was having lots of short, inneffective ones) then an epidural and an emergency c-section.

Rosy Edith was born at 12.56 on 28th November 2008. I just remember hearing her first cry, looking at my husband with a tear rolling down my cheek - then we saw her (a daughter?!!)and she was placed on my chest, blurry and pink, too close for me to focus on.

That was just the start of my hospital stay, though. Almost two days later, I haemorraged badly and went into theatre again. I woke up later in Intensive Care, after eight hours in surgery, with an awful tube down my throat. Taking that thing out was horrible but a relief. I just recall being so calm and grateful throughout the whole affair - for a healthy daughter, my supportive husband and our families. Even when I was told that I had undergone a hysterectomy in order to save my life. (There's no way to not be dramatic about that.)

So here I am, lucky to be alive - one of the surgeons told me that in a part of Africa, new mothers are greeted with "Well done, you avoided death" (or something to that effect). I'm a mum for the first and only time in my life. I've managed to breastfeed, supported by formula feeds, after having been so ill and unable to hold my baby properly due to all the tubes in my arms. I've come back to my life again through a great ancient portal, transformed into a mother. The tumultuous feelings of loss, despair, anger and sadness occasionally eclipse the bliss, excitement, joy and pure love that my daughter brings but through the exhausting friction between these two extremes, my Soul becomes polished and I see myself reflected more clearly.

Help and support has come from all directions and I have gratefully received.

Sometimes I'm left feeling numb, though, wondering who I am now, what will I become? What dream should I focus on? For now, though, I remind myself, it is enough to focus on the simple things. Care for myself, my daughter, my husband, my cat and my home. Seek to gradually change myself for the better, just a little every day.Enjoy each little moment, celebrate the small events in life with as much internal passion as the large ones. I'm still breathing, blood flows in my veins but I'll only live if I can allow myself to feel, to be... the sun is shining in through the window right now. Rosy is suckling, sheltered under her yellow muslin, no music or TV to distract us, just the sound of my two-fingered typing and distant traffic outside. Peace. Bliss.

Thankyou...