A New Life - Part 2

Time flies when you're having fun. Changing nappies, feeding, playing,lacking sleep, having sudden barely controlled tantrums because, at the age of 35, you suddenly realise how used to 'me time' you became and now it's only available fleetingly...

I knew motherhood was going to be a challenge and I'm loving every minute of it, even the hard parts, secretly. This little harbinger of change has come and stirred up all those aspects of myself that I was putting off cleansing or had forgotten about altogether from just living with them day to day.

Well, a change of scenery is on the way. It's becoming tight living in a one bedroom flat with a 9 month old, her dad and the cat, so we've put the flat up for sale and have made a decision. Funny how circumstances conspired to get us to the point, finally after about 4 years, of choosing where to move to. During a visit to Lincolnshire to see family, my Aunty mentioned some houses for sale nearby. We liked the place and on the drive home discussed the practicalities of moving (not too) close to family and how we could get a house for the value of our lovley little flat. Suddenly, my dreams of a home with a garden and a room to practice Reiki meditiation, Wicca and whatever other therapy I choose one day to learn, seem that much closer. Most of all, I felt a surge of joy at the thought of s p a c e ! Room to grow, to blossom fully.

The hard part comes next. We had a huge clearout of our living space, a de-clutter and autumn-clean with help from friends. That felt so good physically, almost like a whole body detox! Along the way, I had to make the decision to stop developing a new workshop and to let my business rest for a while, though if anyone needs a treatment, I can make space for that to happen. There's still a lot of work to be done with the cupboards and garage but that will come. Now we wait for the perfect buyer(s) to come along and then we can fully let go of this place, with all gratitude for what I have become through living here. We may have found a place, not quite like my visualisations but, in essence, close. I am willing to let the process unfold and open and willing to change.After all, that is what life is.

A New Life Part1

Has it been so long since I last posted? Well, I shouldn't be so surprised. Here I sit with my five month old daughter on my lap. A girl! I swore my intuition and my dowsing said it would be a boy!Then again I also wanted to be surprised, so I was.

The birth was difficult. From the first signs of labour to the actual delivery was a week. I finally ended up going in three times, unfortunately having to give up the idea of a natural birth and no drugs to end up with gas and air, drugs to get the contractions stronger (I was having lots of short, inneffective ones) then an epidural and an emergency c-section.

Rosy Edith was born at 12.56 on 28th November 2008. I just remember hearing her first cry, looking at my husband with a tear rolling down my cheek - then we saw her (a daughter?!!)and she was placed on my chest, blurry and pink, too close for me to focus on.

That was just the start of my hospital stay, though. Almost two days later, I haemorraged badly and went into theatre again. I woke up later in Intensive Care, after eight hours in surgery, with an awful tube down my throat. Taking that thing out was horrible but a relief. I just recall being so calm and grateful throughout the whole affair - for a healthy daughter, my supportive husband and our families. Even when I was told that I had undergone a hysterectomy in order to save my life. (There's no way to not be dramatic about that.)

So here I am, lucky to be alive - one of the surgeons told me that in a part of Africa, new mothers are greeted with "Well done, you avoided death" (or something to that effect). I'm a mum for the first and only time in my life. I've managed to breastfeed, supported by formula feeds, after having been so ill and unable to hold my baby properly due to all the tubes in my arms. I've come back to my life again through a great ancient portal, transformed into a mother. The tumultuous feelings of loss, despair, anger and sadness occasionally eclipse the bliss, excitement, joy and pure love that my daughter brings but through the exhausting friction between these two extremes, my Soul becomes polished and I see myself reflected more clearly.

Help and support has come from all directions and I have gratefully received.

Sometimes I'm left feeling numb, though, wondering who I am now, what will I become? What dream should I focus on? For now, though, I remind myself, it is enough to focus on the simple things. Care for myself, my daughter, my husband, my cat and my home. Seek to gradually change myself for the better, just a little every day.Enjoy each little moment, celebrate the small events in life with as much internal passion as the large ones. I'm still breathing, blood flows in my veins but I'll only live if I can allow myself to feel, to be... the sun is shining in through the window right now. Rosy is suckling, sheltered under her yellow muslin, no music or TV to distract us, just the sound of my two-fingered typing and distant traffic outside. Peace. Bliss.

Thankyou...